So…I cried.

Goodness, today was just one of those days! I'm sure you know what I mean by that, right? It was a day when I had more problems than I had solutions for, more to do than hours in the day, more challenges than I had emotional bandwidth to deal with…one of those days. So, what do you do with yourself when these days happen? I feel like it's different for me every time. Today though, I was able to go for a walk with a sweet friend (which always nourishes my heart) and then came home, made something to eat and afterwards, cried. Yup, I just cried. I cried because my heart was overfull and needed a release. I cried because I could acutely feel the tension between having a heart full of so many dreams and not having seen them come to pass yet. I cried because I could see all of what was demanding my attention and I didn’t know how it was all going to come together. I cried because even though I am always learning, today I just felt like I was failing. So, I cried.

Then, I stopped crying and went about doing some of the things that were on my to do list…because none of those things were going to get done just by crying. Animals still needed to get fed, laundry still needed to be washed, groceries needed to be bought and errands needed to get run. So, I did that and it was ok. My heart still feels heavy and I still don’t have everything resolved, but I do know that for every problem there is a solution and even if I haven't found it yet, it's there.

Another thing I did was to be intentional about doing a few small things that nurtured me. I treated myself to a favorite drink at a local coffee shop while I ran errands, I took extra time to love on my kids and hugged them a little longer than I normally would. I made sure to eat a good dinner and put fresh sheets on my bed for when I go to sleep tonight. Small, but very tangible things that do make a difference for me. Most importantly though, I chose not to take all of what was wrong with today as being something wrong with me.  That can make all the difference on days like today. If we can make the conscious choice to not label ourselves or create our identity by our circumstances, it makes a difference in our ability to recover.  Circumstances are always changing, for good, bad or indifferent. But who we are, our identity, does not have to be shaken by them.

So, tomorrow is another day and I'm choosing to look forward to it.

Grateful for tomorrow,

Tove

Seasons of life.

These last 2&1/2 years have been seemingly the least "productive" years of my adult life…but in reality, they've been the most transformative. Unproductive in the sense that I didn't "do" much. At least not that I formerly had been known for or identified with. In the years prior to this season, I had lived a very full and seemingly abundant life. I was self employed as a hair stylist and had a great clientele that I loved. I also taught group fitness classes, which gave me the chance to lead some of the most remarkable people through some pretty gnarly workouts, that were filled with laugh-crying nearly as much as sweat! I also had my home life, responsibilities as a wife and mother, my friends and other commitments as well. Life was full, I was productive. On a day to day basis I accomplished a lot.

But gradually, over those years, I lost my joy. I had been so goal oriented and driven, that I didn't see what I was missing. I finally realized that I knew what I did, but not who I was. I had spent all those years doing things that I mistook as part of my identity, rather than doing those things as a byproduct of who I already was. And so the longing for change began to take root, as well as the need to reorient, regroup and rest. I needed to find out who I was. The only problem was, I had no clue how to do that or what that would look like.  The only thing I did know, was that my inner longing was intense. 

And then our whole world radically shifted in a moment. We found out that a school we wanted our kids to attend had openings right then for each of our girls, spots that would likely be impossible if we waited until the next school year. So we decided to jump, and over the course of 3 weeks, closed my business, sold our house and relocated to a little town about 3 hours North from where we were.

When I look back, I wonder how we even navigated those 3 weeks. Or the first few weeks after.  It felt like we were picked up in a whirlwind. And when we landed…I felt like I had been running a sprint and had my feet kicked out from under me, skidding to an abrupt stop. I was completely raw inside and out. Emotionally I felt like a freshly skinned knee that had been skinned again. I was so wound up from the 7 years prior that it took me 10 months to realize I had been given exactly what I had yearned for…a season of rest.

After I came to that realization, during the next year and a half, I began to heal. I healed through learning to express myself in new ways, building new friendships and doing a lot more of the things I loved but never had enough time for before. Things like just hanging out with my family, without an agenda. I also spent more time gardening, chicken keeping and giving our house and property a much needed makeover. This gave me the chance for my hands to be busy and my mind to be free. This is where I found out who I am. Because I had the chance to stop doing and start being.

While I was walking through these past couple years, I had so many days where I wondered if I had lost purpose or if what I was doing now had any value. I also had times where I felt completely insignificant. The part of me that knew I was created for more was at war with the part of me that longed for the anonymity I had grown so accustomed to. I would go on long walks with some of my dearest friends and cry about what my future held. Other times I would be perfectly content that my life could stay exactly the same forever and it would be enough. All of which was necessary.

Coming full circle back to right now, as I am getting ready to launch this blog, I can finally see what happened these past few years and why it was so necessary. In taking this time, I was actually living my life, not doing it. I was free from many of the things, that though they were good, had kept me from cultivating my life in a way that produced only out of who I am. I had been doing it backwards before by trying to be who I was by what I was doing. And by just living life, feeling like I was "doing" nothing, I ended up with the capacity to share my life with others by sharing what I love. So when it came to starting this blog, turns out I had all the content and material I needed to do it…just by living life, letting it sink in, and taking pictures along the way.

So, if you have been in a season of wondering what you are even doing, or wondering what your purpose is, I want to encourage you to be intentional with living. Be present in the moment you are currently in. Trust that what you are doing right now is part of the foundation you need for the next season of your life. You may not feel seen right now or very purposeful, but your life has value and this time is needed. And know that just by continuing to move forward each day, you will be ready for what your next season will bring.

Living life along with you,

Tove